Confessions of A Sales Associate

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Confessions of a Sales Associate

1.     I hate feet.

a.     The only time I like them is when I get to watch customers struggle to jam their toes into Vibram Five Fingers for 15 minutes at a time.

2.     Everybody in my family is getting titanium dishware for Christmas

a.     And maybe headlamps

3.     I can only recommend that product because I have that product, and I only have that product because a sales rep gave me that product in order to trick me into tricking you into buying it.

a.     Joke’s on him though, I actually like this stupid thing

4.     I can’t afford all my high-end gear without an employee discount

a.     I just want to look like I can

5.     I’m less worried than impressed when customers ask me if we can special order samurai swords

a.     Do you want to hang out after I get off work?

6.     On the days when I’m too lazy to leave the store to buy lunch, I eat Cliff Blocs.

a.     Then I sit in the staff room, stare at the wrapper and wonder what happened to my life for 45 minutes. Then I clock back in.

7.     You know those Osprey Hipbelt ovens?

a.     I baked cupcakes in there once.

8.     I don’t own the store and the cheap bastards that do don’t give me commission

a.     I don’t really care if you buy anything or not.

9.     I tried on those boxer briefs before you did.

a.     They were too small.

10.  If your product glows in the dark, I will never stop being excited about it.

a.     Turn the lights off for a second and check this puppy out!

11.  I’m better at fooling myself into buying things that I don’t really need than I am at fooling you into buying the things that you don’t really need.

a.     They might as well pay me in socks and jackets.

12.  After you leave, I’m not going to Windex the displays. I’m going to thumb through this catalogue and learn about expedition yak saddles just in case somebody comes in and asks for one.

a.     I’ll be ready, dammit.

13.  When people who can’t control their kids come to my store, I don’t smile and act irritated. The truth is that I’m really enjoying how much they’re bothering all the other customers.

a.     I once told a kid that he looked like he could run faster than his older brother, then went back to my desk to watch the carnage unfold.

14.  I throw those crocheted indoor Frisbees around whenever I can.

a.     It’s ten points if you can get it to land on a hanger.

15. I once bought a set of softshell bedsheets

b.     They were on sale and they’re windproof.